How Do I Like Me Now

Sitting in my office now I can barely feel my legs...at least until I get up, and then I feel the intense soreness and pain coming from two hard days of fitness training. If I didn't have pride I would cry right now. But people are watching. The funny thing is that I had convinced myself that I was doing alright. Looking in the mirror I would tell myself, "You're not that big", as I would drape mostly black clothing and dark colored suits across my form. Making trips to the local recreation center, doing short stints on the treadmill, and even "running" a 5k last year had me convinced that I was in decent shape for my age and weight. People didn't help much either. You either get words such as, "You weigh what? Well, you dont look that big", or something to the extreme opposite where they ridicule you in a most unchristian way blurting out most unchristian things. Those jerks must think they are helping. In all my life, other than hypocrtical preaching, I can honestly say there has only ever been one person really that I felt genuine concern from, and I suppose that confrontation helped me take a truthful look at things. I was always chunky it seemed. Even when I look at High School pictures when I was "skinny" I was overweight. I was just thin compared to what I am now I suppose. Being that way, and having a family history of health problems put us under alot of strain. I remember being on Weight Watchers at like twelve years old, consuming mostly diet soda so much in fact that I still prefer it when I drink soda. It was always a pressure, and because it was a pressure I ended up with a lot of bad health habits. Fad diet to fad diet, regiment to regiment, i digested a load of bad education geared to "get the pounds" off. On top of bad education, I must have thrown my body into all sorts of horrible chemistry trying to apply it. Growing up in the church, most entertainment was geared around food...and a ton of it. We preached against all unhealthy activity..except eating...gluttony was a joke, and a corporately shared sin. That made it alright I suppose. What was worse, even though it was corporatley encouraged, it became an addiction. It like other addictions was driven into secret. Fast forwarding to now, now being the last two days, I am disgusted at what I have allowed myself to become. What I feel mostly in my workouts is not the intense physical burn, although there is no doubt that is present; I am feeling the deep consequence of all my life's choices. Every bear crawl I cannot do is made hard by every bear claw I have taken in. Every sit-up that is of extreme difficutly is because of most of the moments I spent sitting-down. I think the overwhelming lesson is that our choices matter and they so deeply effect us, even when we convince ourselves that they don't. And sometimes even when we don't see the effects in outward form. Health is not about fat or skinny, it's about what's happening internally. And we are all good at lying to ourself about that. A lifetime of choices now plagues me as I try to change. I have to learn to change in the face of them, that is my penance. I write this note not for sympathy, so please keep that to yourself, not for encouragement, so please no "you can do it" remarks. I suppose I write it for me as a step in the right direction, perhaps as a self-encouragement, and for you that read it (for this reason I write every note) that you may be reminded of how much your choices today matter. C.S. Lewis once said, "This moment contains all moments." And my God does it.