The Space Between

There's nothing happening right now, and I mean nothing, but I am not sure there is supposed to be.  I sit alone in my office with plenty of things to do most of the time.  But I am consistently overwhelmed with the feeling that doing them will not amount to anything.  Funny, I never treated another job in the world like this.

When I did bill collections, I was never overcome with a strong feeling of significance regarding my work.  I would simply do what they asked (of course that with the occasional attitude of laziness).  I showed up, worked a file, and at the end of the day...went home.  Never do I remember reflecting on the day and worrying myself over whether I "made a difference".  

Now what I can't seem to figure out is if I wasn't taking that seriously enough or taking vocational ministry (which is what I do now) too seriously. Honestly, I'm probably just taking myself too seriously.  But why only in vocational ministry do I do that?  

I did a lot of ministry in bill collections.  Everybody knew WHAT I was or better yet WHO I was.  They knew my moral limits and Christian stance. I was the one the office looked to when 9/11 happened for a response.  The management seemed to figure me as integrous, and why not, I usually did what was asked and more.  I was a very middle of the road performer though. The only time I was first place in revenue was when the whole office had a horrible month.  Still yet, other than one time when I was grilled on a poor performance, I never took my work home with me. And I do constantly now, that is, take my work home with me.  I always worry about doing enough or whether or not what I did mattered.  My mind stays consumed with thoughts of success and failure, and while I am consumed with that, I feel guilty because I am probably missing some opportunities that I am currently in, like, I don't know, giving quality attention to my children for instance.  Why is their such a huge unseen pressure to constantly do something huge that will bring notoriety?

Truth is, I have no resolve for this blog.  I don't know what the answer to it all is, or if it's even a problem. But I know that I have this empty feeling, this feeling that I am of no earthly good at times.  It is a mild despair that I am not making enough happen, even though I disagree one hundred percent with the notion that I should be making anything "move". I am in the space between significance and sadness...and I don't even know why.

I search for something to blame, but their is nothing or no one.  Yet I have this unwavering faith that God hasn't changed in the midst of all of this.  And until I figure this out, I suppose that is the only substance I need.  

Stalemate: An Allegory

I'm not much of a chess player, but I can play (or at least I know the ins and outs).  I know how the pieces move , how to "castle" in order for a better defense, know some random strategies I suppose, and certainly know the object of the game.  That is enough to keep me involved with most level one chess players.
Few times in my chess experiences have I ever reached a stalemate.  In a more relevant way, a stalemate is best described by using the term "tie".  It is where one player is not necessarily in check (or getting ready to lose) but yet has no legal moves to get out the situation.  This is rare.
Lately, I have sort of been feeling this in my life.  I have used this term in talking to my wife and some of my closer friends (yet I am now putting it out here for the world to see).  Have you ever reached that point in life?  You are not defeated, but yet you feel trapped, like you need to "make a move", but just can't.  If I were a brilliant man, I think I could somehow figure out what got me here.  I want to blame something, or somebody.  That's just easier.  But the point is not necessarily figuring out why you are here, or even how to get out of it.  There is really only one thing you can do when you reach a stalemate, call it for what it is and start another game.
Chances are, it's just simply time to "re-invent".  I use quotations because that't one of those modern terms that is overused in ministry, and while I like to avoid such things, I simply can't think of a better term.  When we reach these stalemates in life, I believe that it is simply God calling us to start afresh.  But here is the catch, when you start again, you cannot use the same strategy, or you will wind up in the same place.  The strategy of the enemy  will be the same, to defeat you.  But you need to take a different approach to life.
This can mean a lot of things to a lot of people.  It may mean addition or elimination of things or people.  It may mean a move of venue.  Truth that cannot be denied is that you are feeling what you are feeling for a reason.  And it will only be by prayerful thinking that you will be led into what can change is necessary.  But whatever it is, remember that a new game is the only response.
In closing understand two very powerful things:

1) A new game requires a different strategy.
Like mentioned above.  The same approach will get you to the same place.  There are some things you have to take into the mew game.  The pieces are the same, the rules are the same, the object is the same, yet, your overall strategy of combinations and your ability to see a different picture has to improve.  You have to be able to remember the former game and learn from those mistakes.  You have to be fully engaged in the new game, completely sober to every move you make and to the moves of your opponent.  A new game has elements of the old one, but it is nonetheless a new game.

2) A new strategy from you requires a new strategy from your opponent.
Like any new game, expect a different approach from your opponent.  His goal is the same, defeat.  But know that he is no more interested in a draw than you are.  Both should crave victory at every turn.  Victory is achieved not in one move, but in many.  You start winning the game with your mindset, and then by individual moves.  Each move builds or sets up the next to form a plan of victory.  Adjustments may have to be made a long the way, nevertheless keep your eye on the prize. But never forget that new games bring new challenges. Be ready for everything the new game entails.

One more thing that it would be senseless not to say.  Like this life we live, we have to approach it with the attitude of victory.  Fear is a crippler in any "game".  If you approach it with an attitude of inferiority, you will lose every time.  The approach must always be "victory is mine".  Carry that into every new start!

Give Me Revelation

Galatians 1:15-16a

But when who had set me apart before I was born, and who called me by His grace was pleased to reveal His son to me, in order that I might preach Him among the Gentiles...

I like to consider myself a fairly sensible guy. That's really a cop-out sometimes to protect myself from taking risks, but nonetheless, it's who I have become.

Shortly after my first tenure ever served as Youth Pastor (to be honest, it was really about a year before it was over) I began to question many things about my "experiences" in the body of Christ. We, like many people in the late 1990s were swept into "revival" mode. The Pensacola revivals were in full swing and churches across the country were longing to fall in line. I'm not going to get into all the ins and outs, but there were some weird things happening.

But without that ever taking place, I probably would have reached the same crisis of belief. I grew up seeing weird things, and with what I would easily label strange occurences in the body of Christ, and I would be lying if I didn't say that I thought such weren't driven by who I thought to be weird people. And it was these weird people that I, the sensible human being, distanced myself from. There just seemed to be a major conflict in my heart that everyone had these "words" from God when the Word of God as so often ignored. Even the absence of preaching in any given service was one of the earmarks of a "Spirit-Filled" environment. Yeah, that still rubs me wrong, and always will.

But now, as I often do, and as misguided as I think they often were, I failed to see what God wanted to teach me by them. These people always seem to have a sense of prayerful revelation. As cooky as they were to me at times, none that I remember ever claimed to have extra-biblical revelation (which will always be a spiritual no-no), but rather a strong sense of listening to God through prayer.

I am a Word man. Always will be. But the pitfall in that is to forget that even the WORD still needs a sense of prayerful REVELATION to the reader. The truth, embodied in Jesus Christ still has to be REVEALED to us everyday. Using the Word of God as our guide, "he who set us apart before we were born, and has called us by his grace, [is still] pleased to reveal his son to us" today.

So let me, let us, read with REVELATION. Not just what does the scripture say, buy what is God saying to me through the scriptures. This is not a bad thing at all, to pray when we read His revealed Word that He as the divine author works it into our lives. God bless and may we all find Revelation.