The Space Between

There's nothing happening right now, and I mean nothing, but I am not sure there is supposed to be.  I sit alone in my office with plenty of things to do most of the time.  But I am consistently overwhelmed with the feeling that doing them will not amount to anything.  Funny, I never treated another job in the world like this.

When I did bill collections, I was never overcome with a strong feeling of significance regarding my work.  I would simply do what they asked (of course that with the occasional attitude of laziness).  I showed up, worked a file, and at the end of the day...went home.  Never do I remember reflecting on the day and worrying myself over whether I "made a difference".  

Now what I can't seem to figure out is if I wasn't taking that seriously enough or taking vocational ministry (which is what I do now) too seriously. Honestly, I'm probably just taking myself too seriously.  But why only in vocational ministry do I do that?  

I did a lot of ministry in bill collections.  Everybody knew WHAT I was or better yet WHO I was.  They knew my moral limits and Christian stance. I was the one the office looked to when 9/11 happened for a response.  The management seemed to figure me as integrous, and why not, I usually did what was asked and more.  I was a very middle of the road performer though. The only time I was first place in revenue was when the whole office had a horrible month.  Still yet, other than one time when I was grilled on a poor performance, I never took my work home with me. And I do constantly now, that is, take my work home with me.  I always worry about doing enough or whether or not what I did mattered.  My mind stays consumed with thoughts of success and failure, and while I am consumed with that, I feel guilty because I am probably missing some opportunities that I am currently in, like, I don't know, giving quality attention to my children for instance.  Why is their such a huge unseen pressure to constantly do something huge that will bring notoriety?

Truth is, I have no resolve for this blog.  I don't know what the answer to it all is, or if it's even a problem. But I know that I have this empty feeling, this feeling that I am of no earthly good at times.  It is a mild despair that I am not making enough happen, even though I disagree one hundred percent with the notion that I should be making anything "move". I am in the space between significance and sadness...and I don't even know why.

I search for something to blame, but their is nothing or no one.  Yet I have this unwavering faith that God hasn't changed in the midst of all of this.  And until I figure this out, I suppose that is the only substance I need.